6 Ways to Support a Loved One Who Struggles with Food
21st August 2022 | Author: Bianca Skilbeck
Everyone has a relationship with food. If you are fortunate, this is something that you’ve never had to give a whole lot of thought.
However, for many people in our culture; a culture which places a great deal of emphasis on appearance, weight, and attaining or maintaining ‘the thin ideal’ (read more about ‘diet culture’ HERE), having a relationship with food can be a fraught experience, layered with complex and often conflicting thoughts, emotions, and needs. This, therefore, is a small unpacking of the ways in which we can effectively support the person or people around us who face such difficulties.
What do I mean by ‘struggling with food’?
When someone is struggling with their relationship with food, it could be that they have a diagnosed (or diagnosable) eating disorder, such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder. It could be that they experience more sub-clinical disordered eating; meaning that whilst they do not meet the thresholds for diagnostic criteria, what they experience is still clinically significant, and ultimately, distressing.
Or, as is the case for many, a person may simply experience a private (or sometimes not so private) struggle with food, body image, yo-yo dieting, and/or weight-cycling that has never been directly treated, addressed, or even spoken about.
Whichever the case, what remains common across all difficulties with food is that there are a range of factors which invariably contribute to the development of the problem. Genetic factors, psychological or personality traits, socioeconomic factors and trauma are just a few. However, one of the biggest risk factors that we know to be a precipitating and maintaining factor in almost all cases of disordered eating, is dieting.
Whilst there are a number of reasons a person might choose to diet, one of the main ones is the aforementioned social and cultural pressure to attain or maintain a certain type of body shape or size. For some people, the onset of dieting can set into motion a pattern of yo-yo-ing with food, weight, and ultimately, self-esteem, that may last well into the future for years, decades, or even a lifetime.
Whilst there are lots of things an individual struggling with their relationship with food can do to improve their mental health and heal their situation, there are also many things that we can do as individuals and as a society to foster an environment that makes the onset of dieting, and development and maintenance of disordered eating a whole lot less likely to begin with.
What can we do as individuals, organisations, and as a society at large?
1. Avoid advice-giving
Your loved one is expressing or exhibiting distress with food, body image, or mental health in general. Rule of thumb; don’t offer ‘advice’.
The truth is that most of us know the basics of ‘how’ to follow a balanced diet or how we ‘should’ be thinking about food or our bodies. In fact, most people who experience disordered eating all along the spectrum know more about food than the average person; it’s all part of the preoccupation and concern.
Therefore, more advice on the subject, especially if it’s unsolicited is not going to be welcomed. If there is advice that you absolutely feel you must give, ask for permission. For example, “May I offer a suggestion?”. If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Which leads to the next point….
2. Listen without judgement
If your loved one has trusted you enough to speak about what is on their mind, understand that this is likely a huge step for them which takes a lot of courage. Learn to genuinely take a stance of curiosity, then communicate from this place.
Curiosity never assumes. It doesn’t judge, or determine what is right or wrong. It simply listens with openness.
3. Know that an eating disorder doesn’t have a particular ‘look’
We all know the all-too-common trope of an eating disorder; the image of an emaciated young girl with anorexia nervosa.
However, did you know that this particular type of eating disorder presentation makes up roughly only 3% of all diagnosed eating disorders in Australia? In fact, the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder, at 47%, is binge eating disorder. This is followed by ‘other’ (often a mix of subclinical symptoms) at 38%, then bulimia nervosa at 12%.
To the point; a person’s weight or appearance doesn’t actually tell us anything about their relationship with food. Folks who fall at all points along the weight spectrum, from the very largest to the very smallest of bodies can qualify for any eating disorder diagnosis. This is because an eating disorder diagnosis is based on a person's actual relationship with food and what mentally, emotionally, and behaviourally is most prominent for them.
The simply takeaway therefore is that we cannot understand or think we know about a person’s relationship with food by looking at them, i.e., by making a judgement about their weight. A person’s current weight is influenced by a myriad of factors including genetics, illness, injury, medication, socioeconomic status, and previous dieting history, just to name a few. So put what you think you know about weight and bodies aside, and return to point 2.
4. Steer clear of ‘all or nothings’ or ‘good or bad’s’
When you really think about it, there are very few examples of any type of food, exercise, or other lifestyle choice which can be intrinsically considered ‘good’ or ‘bad’; it’s usually how we engage with something, rather than what we engage with, which determines how helpful or unhelpful (note: not ‘good or bad’) it is for our lives and wellbeing. For example, not many people are going to feel that wonderful after eating a 2-litre tub of ice cream. Yet, by the same token, not many people are going to feel great if all they have for dinner is a plate full of broccoli.
These are crass and exaggerated examples to demonstrate a point; that the core properties of food, any food, cannot be reduced down to such limiting constructs of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. All food, by virtue of containing a range of carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, and minerals has nutritional and energetic content and can by used by the human body. Only if it is poisoned, we have an allergy, it is not eaten as part of our cultural or religious beliefs, or we otherwise do not like it, should we consider a food ‘bad’ for us.
Therefore, when speaking about food, we would ALL do much better to dial down the good/bad “I’ve been so naughty” talk. Even if you think you are just talking to or about yourself, you never know who might be listening, and how they are hearing the words you say.
5. Maintain your own boundaries
Whether we are the person who struggles with food, or one of the people around that person, we are all responsible for our own choices, actions, and the consequences of such. Yet sometimes the stress, or worry, or judgement (yes, I said it!) of this can make this really easy to forget. So here is where we start to pull all of the above points together.
Whilst we are remembering to listen without judgement, avoid unsolicited advice-giving, check our preconceived ideas about food and weight, and ‘good’ and ‘bad’ choices, we are also wise to remember that everyone is entitled to decide what is helpful or unhelpful for them. Even if we don’t agree. This, however, does not mean that we should sacrifice our own boundaries or personal rules to ‘bend’ to the will or the demands of another. This means avoiding putting our own expectations, beliefs, or choices onto others, as well as not allowing them to put theirs onto us.
6. Be mindful of your own preoccupation
A final thought; be mindful of your own preoccupation with food, weight, or dieting. For a lot of us, talk about dieting, food, and weight loss is so second nature and so ubiquitous that we don’t even realise that we might be doing it. Have you noticed though that when someone starts talking about their diet or their weight, oftentimes all this does is serve to remind us of our own concerns if we have them?
Therefore, one of the most helpful things that you can do to support your loved one who struggles with food, body image, or weight, is make it a non-issue. Become informed on topics of body diversity, body positivity, and the harms of dieting, and remember that there really is no one right way to live and no one right body to be in. When you address your own preoccupation with food, weight, or dieting, this in turn gives the people around you a subtle invitation and permission, to do the same.
Are you reading this article and thinking there is something that you would like to add? Please reach out HERE to get in touch, or consider joining the private Freedom from Food Facebook group to share your experiences and thoughts.
(Important Note: if you are the parent or caretaker of a minor with an eating disorder, there is a slightly different conversation to be had regarding responsibility for caretaking; this article does not cover that situation specifically, though you may still apply many or most of these general principles).
References
.jpeg)
