Everyone has a relationship with food. If you are fortunate, this is something that you’ve never had to give a whole lot of thought.
However, for many people in our culture; a culture which places a great deal of emphasis on appearance, weight, and attaining or maintaining ‘the thin ideal’, having a relationship with food can be a fraught experience, layered with complex and often conflicting thoughts, emotions, and needs. This, therefore, is a small unpacking of the ways in which we can effectively support the person or people around us who face such difficulties.
What do I mean by ‘struggling with food’?
When someone is struggling with their relationship with food, it could be that they have a diagnosed (or diagnosable) eating disorder, such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, or binge eating disorder. It could be that they experience more sub-clinical disordered eating; meaning that whilst they do not meet the thresholds for diagnostic criteria, what they experience is still clinically significant, and ultimately, distressing.
Or, as is the case for many, a person may simply experience a private (or sometimes not so private) struggle with food, body image, yo-yo dieting, and/or weight-cycling that has never been directly treated, addressed, or even spoken about.
Whichever the case, what remains common across all difficulties with food is that there are a range of factors which invariably contribute to the development of the problem. Genetic factors, psychological or personality traits, socioeconomic factors and trauma are just a few. However, one of the biggest risk factors that we know to be a precipitating and maintaining factor in almost all cases of disordered eating, is dieting.
Whilst there are a number of reasons a person might choose to diet, one of the main ones is the aforementioned social and cultural pressure to attain or maintain a certain type of body shape or size. For some people, the onset of dieting can set into motion a pattern of yo-yo-ing with food, weight, and ultimately, self-esteem, that may last well into the future for years, decades, or even a lifetime.
What can we do as individuals, organisations, and as a society at large?
1. Avoid advice-giving
Your loved one is expressing or exhibiting distress with food, body image, or mental health in general. Rule of thumb; don’t offer ‘advice’.
The truth is that most of us know the basics of ‘how’ to follow a balanced diet or how we ‘should’ be thinking about food or our bodies. In fact, most people who experience disordered eating all along the spectrum know more about food than the average person; it’s all part of the preoccupation and concern.
Therefore, more advice on the subject, especially if it’s unsolicited is not going to be welcomed. If there is advice that you absolutely feel you must give, ask for permission. For example, “May I offer a suggestion?”. If the answer is no, then you have your answer. Which leads to the next point….
2. Listen without judgement
If your loved one has trusted you enough to speak about what is on their mind, understand that this is likely a huge step for them which takes a lot of courage. Learn to genuinely take a stance of curiosity, then communicate from this place.
Curiosity never assumes. It doesn’t judge, or determine what is right or wrong. It simply listens with openness.
3. Know that an eating disorder doesn’t have a particular ‘look’
We all know the all-too-common trope of an eating disorder; the image of an emaciated young girl with anorexia nervosa.
However, did you know that this particular type of eating disorder presentation makes up roughly only 3% of all diagnosed eating disorders in Australia? In fact, the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder, at 47%, is binge eating disorder. This is followed by ‘other’ (often a mix of subclinical symptoms) at 38%, then bulimia nervosa at 12%.
To the point; a person’s weight or appearance doesn’t actually tell us anything about their relationship with food. Folks who fall at all points along the weight spectrum, from the very largest to the very smallest of bodies can qualify for any eating disorder diagnosis.
4. Steer clear of ‘all or nothings’ or ‘good or bad’s’
When you really think about it, there are very few examples of any type of food, exercise, or other lifestyle choice which can be intrinsically considered ‘good’ or ‘bad’; it’s usually how we engage with something, rather than what we engage with, which determines how helpful or unhelpful it is for our lives and wellbeing.
Therefore, when speaking about food, we would ALL do much better to dial down the good/bad “I’ve been so naughty” talk. Even if you think you are just talking to or about yourself, you never know who might be listening, and how they are hearing the words you say.
5. Maintain your own boundaries
Whether we are the person who struggles with food, or one of the people around that person, we are all responsible for our own choices, actions, and the consequences of such. This, however, does not mean that we should sacrifice our own boundaries or personal rules to ‘bend’ to the will or the demands of another.
6. Be mindful of your own preoccupation
A final thought; be mindful of your own preoccupation with food, weight, or dieting. For a lot of us, talk about dieting, food, and weight loss is so second nature and so ubiquitous that we don’t even realise that we might be doing it.
Therefore, one of the most helpful things that you can do to support your loved one who struggles with food, body image, or weight, is make it a non-issue. Become informed on topics of body diversity, body positivity, and the harms of dieting, and remember that there really is no one right way to live and no one right body to be in.
(Important Note: if you are the parent or caretaker of a minor with an eating disorder, there is a slightly different conversation to be had regarding responsibility for caretaking; this article does not cover that situation specifically, though you may still apply many or most of these general principles).